Thursday, September 1, 2011

The End of Myself

(This might be really depressing for you to read, but I want to document this from an honest approach. In Miss D's words "I ain't" going to sugarcoat anything.)

Week 4 has been very hard. I can not even really describe it to people, it is that challenging. Miss D hit this mean streak of hitting Keegan and Jack, shouting, throwing fits, etc....ALL DAY.  From what my Arrow rep says it is very normal for them to hit this wall at some point and their emotions play out their aggression.  They are looking into some play therapy for her to help her with this transition.

I had several melt downs of my own this week of full fledged crying.  I am not this kind of person but I could not pull myself together. I had so many emotions that I wished that I was not having. I wondered if I made a mistake bringing her into my family. I asked myself if I could love her the way that I loved my children. Could I work within CPS limits and not spank...because nothing else is working. I thought we dug ourselves in this hole and now there was no way out. My self-control was being tested beyond belief. Nat called yesterday and  in that moment I would of sent it to voice mail but instead I answered it for her to talk me down and lower my blood pressure.

The message that her and others have been saying to me over and over is that I must put my eternal eyes on. I know that...I really do...but in the moment it is hard. However, one thing she said hit home with me. I have come to the end of myself so that God can take over. Surrender all that I am. I was there. I did not even want to wake up the next morning to start again. The white flag had been pulled to the top of my flagstaff. I have no other option but to let Him flow through me to work through the next few weeks. What an amazing testimony to be at that place to KNOW HE IS ABLE even in my weakness. I remember Jerrell Altic telling me once, "To truly follow God is not comfortable". Yep, sure isn't.

Luckily last night I was able to go to Lupe's with some friends. (Mexican food fixes most everything for the moment!) My poor friend Stacie was the witness to my tears...I am so glad that I have amazing friends to be real with. Seriously, what would I do without the body of Christ? To have amazing prayer warriors fighting the enemy alongside me and begging God to intervene...there is nothing like it.

This morning I woke up with a different resolve. In way I felt God get in the driver seat. I was actually able to praise Miss D and love on her differently today. The smell of her shampoo used to make me queasy because of all the stress that I associated with it. Today, she even smelled different. Weird I know.  Her fits even seemed considerably less. I could actually give her a couple of stickers for good behavior. I know that this road will have many turns, but today was a good drive through the Hill Country. Calm.

God also is able to bless. This morning I tried to pay my cell bill and realized that my roll over minutes had expired and thus landing me with a $172.00 bill. I called AT&T and without even asking this guy took it off and gave me 1000 roll over minutes. I wanted to reach through the phone and hug the almost made me cry.  I was able to put Miss D on the same team as Jack for soccer, even after the sign ups ended. The most surprising blessing was my neighbor Tawanda. She showed up at the door at 4:30 and let herself in. She was born at 20 something weeks and now at 23 she is a very high functioning adult. She lives down the street from me and walks the neighborhood. Normally, it would annoy me, but today, it was a great distraction. I was able to get dinner together with her entertaining Miss D.  She spent a good 30 min. playing with my kids. I invited her back next week. :) I might even pay her to come do this for me in the afternoons. I bonded with her a little over VBS week when she rode with me and helped me with the boys. A couple months later, I am thankful for our little friendship.

We leave tomorrow to go to Mansfield for the weekend for my cousins wedding. I am hoping that this will be a good experience for all of us. Some good family time is needed. A good drive will be good too...every child strapped in and hopefully asleep.

1 comment:

Kasi B. said...

Just got caught up on your blog. Love you and still praying for you all to have wisdom and peace. LOVED Miss D's skirt today. I want one for Sara Sue. :)