We have almost hit the two week mark since we had Miss D I am sitting here with a bowl of ice cream and I finally feel a bit of normalcy and out of the fog. I can begin the processing that I have needed to do for a week now. It has been a interesting ride the past two weeks. You pick one emotion..I have had it.
The sun came up on day two and I walked into her room with this huge dimply smile. She reached up for me and when I picked her up she laid her head on my shoulder and began stroking my hair. At that moment I melted...how could you not? The rest of the day consisted of correcting different behaviors. For one, she did not know how to eat at a table. She wanted to put a napkin on the floor and it took a couple meals, but she got the idea that at our house we don't do that. The next objective was to actually use the napkin on how it was intended to be used instead of her shirt. I learned that day that she had a different vocabulary than us..which if I were to be perfectly honest made me laugh a bit that it was coming out of a 3 year olds mouth. She did not urinate for 24 hours and lets just say she was very gassy. Nutrition was not a priority.
I have taken her to the doctor three times for blood work and shots...all 6 of them. This week I get to take her to the dentist for a mouthful of problems. Next is the eye doctor to check out her eyes.
The world that she lived in contained no boundaries and no discipline. The word "no" was not said very often. This has been the hardest obstacle of them all. She loves us...she ignores us...she loves us...she ignores us. Now..I hear that girls are different than boys in that there is a lot more emotion..and she is 3. Still, it is hard to undo three years of freedom. I know one day she find comfort in routine and boundaries. In fact, we are seeing signs that are very positive.
Miss D was the only child in her house and then she was brought to my house with two other kids..one being 3. This has been extremely difficult and lots of emotion is wrapped around this subject. My Jack is the sweetest, most loving boy...but has a temper. She brings that out in him. Just too much sassy for him. I have been the mediator so much between those two and the bickering about drives me bananas. Last Tuesday I called my husband and said, "I can't take it anymore...I have to get out of the house...lets do dinner out." We went to Gringos, Mexican food is my comfort food, and I just cried and cried at the table. Luckily, we had a amazing waitress, bless her beautiful heart, that played with my kids while I tried to pull it together. The "real" emotion here was..."What did I just do to my family?" Of course, as I rocked her to sleep that night God reminded me that I am doing exactly what is right for my family whether they get it now or not.
I feel like I just went through the newborn, bringing home baby, phase. I have been zapped. Literally, there has never been a point where I wanted to dig a hole and jump in and throw e-mail and phones out. I just had nothing left in me to converse with anyone and neither did I really want to. Maybe this whole fostering thing gets easier. I do not know how people get a child after child into their home being this emotional.
One thing I know is this.....if Miss D came into my home to teach me the importance of adoption from right where we live...God achieved that. I know there is a lot of hype of international adoption. It is a beautiful thing and God bless the people who go get those babies and protect them. However, the same pictures you see of neglected kids across seas...were the same pictures I saw of Miss D when CPS first got her. There are holes in our system, and I might be another story of losing a child, but she needed me and other kids need you...even if it is for a short window of time. I can't even express to you how amazing it felt to walk into church with Miss D and the amount of people who came up and embraced her. If she stayed with us, her life would be so much different. A life of love, values, boundaries, family and Jesus. Now only God knows how her life will turn out...who am I to say we are the best choice...but for her to leave our home and know what she will miss...is simply heartbreaking.
I have been playing praise music, Praise Baby and Sing over Me, in her room at night hoping that God's truth would pour into her soul. It also plays over the monitor at night. This song is beautiful and so comforting to us both.
Hold on to Jesus by Erin O'donnell
You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
Ad I wish I could protect you
From the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus -
He's holding on to you
The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
And being good's a losing fight
But remember what I've told you
Because the world will make you choose
Hold to Jesus -
He's holding on to you
Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you
Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus -
And she'll hold on tight to You
2 comments:
Michelle, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have always wanted to do foster to adopt with a child 2-5 one day. I am so thankful to get to hear more about what is about. So good to be reminded that there are children right here that need us right now. Love you. Hang in there. Praying now that Lord would give you grace today. That He would give you laughter today. That He would give you a moment for yourself today. That He would give you encouragement today. That He would give you further connection with Miss D today.
You and your family are so precious. I am so glad that Miss D gets to spend time with you guys whether it is for a moment or for a lifetime.
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